Does anyone know words of ?

[rita]

Hello
At family parties my brothers' always talk about Duncan Macrae and Chic Murray , They are usually quite good at their impressions of them but always forget the words .
One particular story ( I don't know the title) starts with;
Ah wis on a bus
Ah knew it wis a bus
cause I'd been on a bus before.

Does anyone know all the words? I think it was a Chic Murray one.
Rita

[DavidWW]

Can't help wth that one, but how about this classic from Chick....

"I recently got divorced from my wife and we split the house 50/50 - She got the inside and I got the Outside"

And here's a classic selection found while Googling for the words you wanted......

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

This chap started talking to me about this and that - about which I know very little

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.



Davie

[Andy]

You can find other great one liners from Chic at the following address:

http://members.fortunecity.com/gillonj/chicmurray/

[rita]

Thanks Andy and Dave
Don't think anyone knows the words.
My friend who was the first person I heard telling the bus story(while we were on a double decker) said as she didn't know all the words she made her own version as she went along .
Rita

[CatrionaL]

Thanks a lot, Andy & Davie. I so enjoyed these Chic Murray oneliners
Will be bookmarking the site for days when I need cheering up!

Catriona

[DavidWW]

"I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter." "

"I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away."

"This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the thing never moved an inch."

"This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. I asked him once what his ambition was and he replied it was to have an ambition. In the end tragedy struck - as he lay on his death bed he confessed to three murders. Then he got better"

"I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. 'Is it Scotch?' I asked. 'Why?' the butcher asked. 'Are you going to talk to it or eat it?' 'In that case, have you got any wild duck?' 'No,' he said, 'but I've got one I could aggravate for you.' "

"What use is happiness? It can't buy you money. "

"I rang the bell of a small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?" she asked. "I want to stay here," I replied. "Well, stay there then," she said and banged the window shut.

"My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right."

"There are only two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky."

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

"So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him."

"He started talking to me about this and that - about which I know very little."

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.

David

[AnnetteR]

Thanks for those David - pure class.

Cheers

Annette R

[Jean Jeanie]

=D>

Jean

[Davie]

Ah wis on a bus
Ah knew it wis a bus
cause I'd been on a bus before.

Hi Rita
that's it
Wey Chic ther wisnae any other bits tae the story, it wiz aw wan and two liners.

[Andy]

There's a great story about Duncan Macrae who, apart from worldwide fame as the warbler of "Wee Cock Sparra" was a very accomplished "Proper" singer.

During a radio interview the presenter quickly got onto the subject of the "Wee Cock Sparra" the interview didn't last long after that Macrae piped in:

"I've sung at La Scala, Carnegie Hall, the Palladium, Albert Hall .... travelled all over the world in serious production ..... See that 'Wee Cock Sparra' it's been a bliddy ALBATROS round my neck!!