Glesca Patter 16

[Moonwatcher]

First posted on SPDG 4 April 2004

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Glesca Patter 16

Hullawrerr!

Last week’s Glesca Remedies seemed tae go doon quite well, so here’s some merr.

Sore Throat
Ye know they sore throats ye get? The wans that make ye feel as if the linin eh yer throat’s made oot a sandpaper? The wans wher when ye swally sumhin it burns aw the wae doon an feels lik yiv jist swallied a thistle! Well yer mammy hid jist the hing! A big dod a butter, rolled intae a baw (aboot the size eh a golf baw). Then she coated it in sugar. The idea wiz tae swally it doon an let the butter soothe the linin eh yer throat. The sugar made it merr palatable. It wis okay as long as ye swallied it quick (quite nice in fact). Bit iff ye dallied aboot, chewin innat, the sugar diappeared an ye wirr left wae this big glop a butter in yir mooth – yuk. It’d gie ye the boak! But ah tell ye, it worked oan the throat – furr a wee while.

Bad Chests

Noo this niver happened tae me bit ah knew plenty thit it did happin tae. Kids wae ‘bad chists’, an that could mean anyhin fae a cauld urr bronchitis through tae TB, wirr encouraged/forced tae breathe in the fumes aff the hoat tar whin the roadmen wirr surfacin the road. Some maws went wan step further an hung thir weans ower the hoat tar buckets so thit the ‘healin’ vapours wid get right intae the alveoli an dae thir stuff [like the wee medical term ther? Ah knew aw that anatomy an physiology studyin wid come in handy some day.] The thing is, when ah wis wee ah liked the smell eh the tar (an still dae.) Ah used tae staun wae the ‘sick’ kids at the roadside an breathe in the fumes alang wae thim! Nane eh yir fancy glues in them days, Tar McAdam, that wis the thing!

Skin Infections

Okay back tae the oxo tin. Remember the Gentian Violet? Wance they goat thir hauns oan that stuff the maws knew nae bounds. It used tae bae used furr aw manner of skin ailments. Impetigo, Scabies, an Ringworm urr among the wans thit come tae mind. Ah s’ppose ah wis lucky cos ah don’t remember evir hivin any eh these but thir wir plenty weans did. They’d turn up at school wae purple blotches aw ower thim. Some seemed tae be permanently gaun aboot lik ‘Mr Blobby’.

Boils

Ye don’t see boils noo-adays dae ye? If ye goat a boil, urr mibbay wan eh them big plooks, yer mammy wid make up a breid (bread) poultice ‘tae draw the poison oot’. It consisted of mashed up breid an boiling watter. Mixed intae a paste it wis spread thickly oan tae a pad an applied ower the site eh the infection. Pretty tame ye might hink. But the key word here is ‘boilin watter’ [awright that’s two words]. The poultice was made up very quickly and applied while roastin hoat. Ah remember it burnin lik [fury].

Toothache

Ah don’t know aboot other maws but oors didnae believe in fillins. Mah brother an I wid hiv tae pit up wae toothache until mah maw decidit it wis time tae take us baith tae the dentist. Ah think she goat a discount that wae!

DENTIST: [Lookin intae mah mooth an proddin exposed nerves wae eez steel cattle prod]
‘Yes Mrs Wilson, he has three teeth with cavities there but we should able to fill those okay.’
MAW: ‘Fill them! Oh naw! We will no hiv any of that. Jist take thim oot please.’
DENTIST: ‘But I’m sure we can save them Mrs Wilson.’
MAW [Thinkin - ‘An ah’ll save even merr iff they jist come oot!’] ‘No thankyou, jist extract them an how much will it cost?’

Ye see, the logic wis this. If the tooth came oot it wis a wan aff price, end of story. If it wis filled (a new concept tae Glesca folk in thae days) the fillin wid be merr costly an wid probably come oot at some point in the future. That wid mean anither visit tae the dentist an merr money – so oot wae the teeth! This was still at a time when folk used tae get aw thir teeth oot as a present furr thir birthday! Imagine it – sittin in the dentists cher (chair) wae aw yir teeth in a steel kidney dish, a wee bithday cake caunil (candle) burnin merrily away in the middle eh the pile a ivorys, an aw yer rellies an the dentist staunin roon aboot ye singing ‘happy birthday tae you!’ Ahm amazed thit ah’ve goat as minny teeth left as ah hiv. Tae this day ah think the tooth ferry (fairy) wiz runnin a protection racket in Garngad.

TOOTH FERRY: ‘Ah don’t kerr if they don’t hiv toothache Mrs Wilson. Ah want three teeth bae the end eh the week urr the cat gets it!’

Skelfs

Splinters. Ye know thae wee tiny slivers ye get aff rough bits a wid (wood)? Ah don’t mean the bigger slivers thit ye kin pick oot wae yir fingernails urr tweezers. Ah’m talkin aboot thae wee ‘microscopic’ wans thit are barely visible tae the naked eye an even then look like tiny black shaving bristles unner the skin? They might be small bit thir terribly annoying an sometimes sore. Yer mammy urr granny might tell ye stories aboot how, if ye didnae get it oot yir finger it wid bury it’s wae doon intae yir blood stream, go straight tae yir hert (heart) an kill ye! Such was the bedside manner and the level of reassurance offered. Personally ah think it wis a ploy tae stoap ye playin in the midgies!.
Anywae. Oot wid come the oxo tin an oot wid come a safety pin. Ther followed a frightnin ceremony that involved yer faither’s cigarette lighter, a match or a caunil if thir wis wan aboot at the time. The safey pin wid be bent straight, held in the corner of a tea towel and the jaggy bit passed through the flame until it glowed bright red. This sterilised it furr the operation tae come. As it cooled it wis seen tae be black wae soot so it wid be wiped on the tea towel [which promptly de-sterilised it again!] That ritual ower, the site wis tentatively prodded wae the point eh the pin, very gradual at first as an effort wis made tae locate the skelf through the skin. As patience waned, and the skelf burrowed doon in preparation for it’s lethal dash tae yer hert, the prodding and poking became merr vociferous evolvin intae a frenzied dig that resulted in the complete excavation of the site, culminating in a cry of elation as the skelf wis finally vanquished and the Iodine was dabbed oan the crater.

N

naebiddy; naebdy-
Nobody. ‘Ah hid a look inside bit thir wis naebdy ther.’

naw-
No.
‘Aw naw! Ye’ve burst eh baw.’
‘Hiv ye goat anither yin?’
‘Naw!’
‘Dae ye know if embdy else his goat wan?’
‘Naw!’
‘Ye irrnae much help urr ye?’
‘Naw!’

neb-
Nose or nosey.
‘Whit’s gaun oan?’
‘Nuthin.’
‘His he burst yir baw?’
‘Nane eh yir business, jist keep yir neb oot eh it awright?’

ned-
Delinquent or criminal.
‘Don’t park yer car ther, the local neds’ll brek intae it.’
‘Whit hiv ye goat in it, anyhin valuable?’
‘Ah’ve goat mah entire collection a Pavarotti CDs.’
‘Aw ye’ll be awright then, thae wullnae touch em!’

neeburr-
Neighbour.
‘Howsittgaun neeburr?’

nick-
To move about quickly.
‘Ah’m nickin doon tae the off sales furr a kerry oot afore the match sterts oan eh telly.’

nippin-
Hurting; Stinging; Aching.
‘See hurr she’s bin naggin meh aw moarnin, mah heid’s nippin.’

nippy sweety-
A drink of spirit, usually whisky.
‘Dae ye fancy a wee nippy sweety?’

no-
Not. ‘Hiv ye no learnt yer lesson? Ye cannae no jist turn up. Ye hiv tae hiv a good reason furr no gaun.’

noo-
Now.
‘Hiv ye washed (pronouced as in ‘bashed’) the dishes yit?’
‘Naw, ah’ll dae thim later oan.’
‘Later oan nuhin, ye’ll dae thim the NOO!’

nuhin-
Nothing.
‘Whit urr ye daein?’
‘Nuhin!’
‘Yir up tae sumhin, ah kin tell. Whit’s gaun oan?’
‘Nuhin.’
‘Urr you smokin a fag?’
‘Naw!’
‘Whit’s aht smoke risin fae behin ye then?’
‘Nuhin!’

nut- (Remember, you dont pronounce the ‘t’)
No.
‘Ye urr smokin, ah kin see the bliddy smoke!’
‘Nut!’

nyaff-
Annoying, irritating (usually small) person.
‘See that wee nyaff, if eh disnae stoap chatterin ah’ll blooter im. Eez daein mah heid in so eh iz!


Right, ah'm aff tae Embra noo. See yeez nixt week.
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Amorra actually

[CatrionaL]

A good read

[mallog]

I never noticed these before. Remedies sound very familiar. I'll work my way through the rest of the patter now

[nelmit]

I never noticed these before. Remedies sound very familiar. I'll work my way through the rest of the patter now

More of Moonwatcher's stories (along with others) can be found at http://www.tachras.com/.

Annette M

[emanday]

This one confused me...

nippy sweety-
A drink of spirit, usually whisky.
‘Dae ye fancy a wee nippy sweety?’

That was a term I've only ever heard used to describe a certain type of female... (with apologies to those in such an occupation)

Highly disapproving doctor's receptionist who'd tell you, with a smile on her face as she studies your pain and anguish, and in no uncertain terms that "yiv nae chance o seein him till a week Friday"

C'mon - you know the type

P.S. The rest brought back a combination of horror and nausea in equal quantities. Gentian Violet kids were avoided like the plague.

[Russell]

Impetigo WAS the Plague

It was the 'NITs Nurse' that caused a furore.
"Stand in line children"
"Oi ! You! Get back in line"
"I need to send your mother a note"
Oi! You! I said get back in line"
"This needs dealt with immediately. Go sit over there!"
" Oi! you! I said sit over there and stop fidgiting
"Oi! You! I said stop fidgiting and pickin your nose. Here's a tissue to wipe it instead of your jumper"
" Oh for God's sake Get his teacher to take him out of here he's wet himself!"

Russell

[DavidWW]

This one confused me...

nippy sweety-
A drink of spirit, usually whisky.
‘Dae ye fancy a wee nippy sweety?’

That was a term I've only ever heard used to describe a certain type of female... (with apologies to those in such an occupation)

Highly disapproving doctor's receptionist who'd tell you, with a smile on her face as she studies your pain and anguish, and in no uncertain terms that "yiv nae chance o seein him till a week Friday"

C'mon - you know the type

P.S. The rest brought back a combination of horror and nausea in equal quantities. Gentian Violet kids were avoided like the plague.

The terms applies to both

David

[Davie]

It was the 'NITs Nurse' that caused a furore.
"Stand in line children"
"Oi ! You! Get back in line"
"I need to send your mother a note"
Oi! You! I said get back in line"
"This needs dealt with immediately. Go sit over there!"
" Oi! you! I said sit over there and stop fidgiting
"Oi! You! I said stop fidgiting and pickin your nose. Here's a tissue to wipe it instead of your jumper"
" Oh for God's sake Get his teacher to take him out of here he's wet himself

Gid wan Russell, ak kin near mind it verbatim.

No aboot me, the wee glaikit boay in front or the scabby lassie behint.

As for "Nippy sweeety"
I have never heard the term used furr a hauf, by oany o' ma cronies.
And ah worked in the Barras an' drove a bus in Glesga furr years
The first time I came across the term in that context was in Canada, in the mid eighties.
When the brither in law, asked me if ah fancied a nippy sweety, ah looked at the wife, an' said, "Oh dear Goad, ah dinnae waant anither wan."

Davie

[DavidWW]

"Oh dear Goad, ah dinnae waant anither wan."

ROFL

David

PS
BTW, this acronym, according to a Google, can also mean Rene Ord for Lommepengene (Danish TV program); and Ring of Freedom and Liberty [webring] - Sorry folks, but I'm in a weird mood today
dww