Glesca Patter 22

[Moonwatcher]

First posted on SPDG 23 May 2004
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glesca Patter 22

Mega computer problems this week – wherr’s Dweezild when ye need im? : ) Nevir mine, eh Patter must go oan.! Ah’ve nicked sumdy else’s laptoap an ah’m typin lik fury afore thae fine oot it’s missin! If this text suddinly stoaps –ye’ll know ah’ve bin coat (caught).

Right, back tae Eastirhoose.

‘Schooldays urr eh happiest days eh yir life.’ Aye right! Folk thit say that need professional help in mah appinyin (opinion).

The stert eh the school term efter summer hoalidays is aye a traumatic time in the life eh a kid. Och ah know thirs wans thit look furrit tae it; the swotts, the teacher, the teachir’s pets, the eejits, the perrints. Bit furr maist eh is, it wis a time a mournin an tryin tae hink eh the kinna illnesses thit urrnae life threatnin, bit bad enough tae keep ye aff school, bit no bad enough tae stoap ye gettin oot tae play an enjoy yersel. Sadly, such illnesses wurr hard tae come bae. It wis made wurse in eh late summer eh ’58 when, hinkin wae hid cracked it cos thir wurrnae any schools tae go tae in Eastirhoose, wae wurr telt thit transport wid bae provided tae take us aw tae schools within the central Glesca area. Furr me that meant Riddrie Primary. That wis nearly aw the wae back tae the Garngad!

So, that Monday moarnin perrints an weans aw trooped doon tae the arranged rendevous point in Duntarvie Road, wher buses wurr sposed tae be waitin furr iz. They wurr!

Noo let’s get sumhin straight here, especially furr oor Americin readers who hiv a very well defined idea aboot whit is meant bae a ‘school bus’. Ye know eh wans ah mean? They big yella hings, built lik tanks, specially designed an reinforced wae wean’s welfare an security in mine; even doon tae designin the back end so that if a caur runs intae it, it ‘submarines’ unnerneath so protecting the kids at eh rear eh the bus (albeit at the expense eh the car occupants). An if a bus is offloadin kids, aw the traffic hiz tae stoap roon aboot it! In America thae take thir schoolkids safety seriously.

That moarnin, aw alang the whole stretch of Duntarvie Rd wurr a convoy of dozens a buses. These wurnae the normal commercial buses that wurr operated bae the nationalised companies (Eastern Scottish; Western; Glasgow Corporation; Alexanders an the like). Naw, these wurr the biggest collection ah ramshackle vehicles yiv ever seen in yir life. If yiv ever seen any eh thae films showin auld beat up buses kerryin folk an livestock acroass the Andes, ye might stert tae get an idea aboot whit ah’m talkin aboot here. Nane eh yir big yella Americin joabs furr us. These wurr the result eh the authorities pittin oot tenders tae anybiddy that hid an auld bus [even if it wis doublin as a hen hoose in thir gerden urr awaitin restoration in thir gerrij (garage)] an acceptin the lowest bids. They wurr aw shapes n’ sizes. Some hid auld writin oan thim thit didnae look lik english! Blue an black smoke belched fae exhausts. Engines spluttirt an died, only tae bae cranked up again bae guys thit ye widnae let drive yir muther in law roon the bend. Anxious perrints wae an education board letter in wan haun an weans in the ither wurr walkin up an doon the convoy lookin furr the bus designatit oan eh letter.
‘Is this Riddrie Two?’
‘Naw missus, issiz Eastbank Wan. Try that cream n’orange bus doon ther’.
Hunners ah weans aw millin aboot, kickin tyres, shakin thir heids an mutterin tae thir perrints that if thae allowed this tae happin thae’d bae sendin thir kids tae certain death an it wid haunt thim furr the rest eh thir lives. But the perrints wurnae listnin. Efter a summer eh us kids oan hoaliday thae jist wantitt rid eh iz an some peace an quiet. Eventually, an efter a few scuffles durin which some runaway kids wurr rounditt up, aw us weans fun oorsells inside a bus; lassies doonsterrs, boays upsterrs. Aht furst, us lads thoat that meant thit wae could smoke, bit wae wirr soon pit right oan aht wan!
Riddrie Two wis wan eh three buses aw destined fur Riddrie School. They wirr doubledeckers, green, auld, an wrecked. Each bus hid sumdy oan board ‘tae look efter iz.’ This poor sowel, wisnae a teacher, urr a conductir, urr a perrint… in fact noo ah come tae hink aboot it, ah don’t know whit thae wurr. Ah hink they must’ve goat thim aff the dole urr sumhin. Either that urr thae wurr bein blackmailed tae dae the joab cos, believe meh, it wisnae a joab furr eh faintheartit. Maist eh thir time wis spent at eh boatim eh the sterrs, oan eh open back platform, shoutin up tae the rabble above;

‘Right ah’m no tellin yis again up err. Stoap eh kerry oan urr ah’ll stoap eh bus!’
From up above - Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Scream! Rabble! Rabble!
‘Aht’s it! If ye don’t behave yersells up ther ah’m gonnae ring eh bell an stoap eh bus right noo!’
From above - Louder Rabble!
‘Look! Ah’m no gonnae warn yiz again. Ah’m gonnae ring eh bell!’
Merr Rabble.
‘Right! Ah’m ringin eh bell. Yeez hiv aw asked furr it!’
Rabble continues unabated.
The hing wis, the bell hid been disconectitt – bae the driver! Thir wis nae wae he wis gonnae stoap this bus wance eh wis underwae. Eh pit the earplugs in eez ears, pit eez fit tae the flerr an made lik the hammers furr Riddrie, closely foalied bae the ither two buses.

An so the ‘convoy’ snaked it’s wae oot ah Duntarvie Road aht moarnin. Aw it needed wiz Ward Bond up eh front oan eez hoarse shoutin ‘Wagons Ho!’ Weans wurr greetin an sobbin urr, in eh case eh us upsterrs in Riddrie Two, shoutin an bawlin, while aw the perrints waved an cheered. Oot oantae Aberdalgie Road an up oan tae the main Eastirhoose Rd. The convoy stertit tae brek up (in some cases literally) as groups a buses went thir sepprit waes. Oor three Riddrie buses foalied the road ower Provanhall, oot past the quarry through Garthamlock an up, past eh big watter tooirs (towers) [sumbdy telt meh thir wirr octupuses in eh tooirs, an ah believed it furr years!], intae Ruchazie. Things settled doon bae this time. The minder hid either gied up shoutin urr dived aff the bus intae the quarry – who kerred! Songs stertit tae bae sung. ‘Ye cannae shuv yer granny aff a bus’ wis ayewaes a firm favourite’. Volunteer grannies wurr eagerly sought bit nane came furrit. Thir wurr uthir songs. Wan that ah still remember went (sorry ah cannae let ye hear the tune);

‘Riddrie Three is a bunion,
a face like a pickled onion.
A nose like squashed tamatta,
Two eyes like green peas.’

Meantime, Riddrie Three wid bae singin eh same song aboot oor bus as it passed us oan a blind bend! Aw the weans itt eh windaes, makin faces an rude signs itt wan inuthir.

Oan eh stretch between Ruchazie an Riddrie thir wis a long fairly straight but bumpy bit eh road thit passed alangside the Hogganfield golf course. Occasionally, golf baws wid skite aff the windaes eh the bus as wae past. Ah’m sure thir wurr folk oan aht golf course oot tae get us (probbly Riddrie schoolteachers). At some point in eh past thir hid bin a bad accident oan this stretch a road an we kids wurr quick tae fit this intae oor reportoire a songs. Bouncin up an doon oan eh seats we’d sing;

‘This is the Death Road, the Death Road, the Death Road,
This is the Death Road, the Death Road, The Death Road.
This is the Dea…’

It wid go oan an oan lik that tae it kinna fizzled oot, cos wae couldnae hink a any mer wurds. It wid end up wae wan pathetic eejit singin it oan eez ain at eh back eh the bus an getting rewarded wae schoolbags, jaikits an empty ginger boatles bein chucked eh’t im.
Through the traffic lights at eh Golfer’s Rest Café (now gone) an doon the Cumbernauld Road intae Riddrie. The buses wid turn intae tree lined Leader Street an up eh hill tae the school. The branches eh the trees wid clatter aff the roof an windaes as wae made wurr wae up tae the deid end at eh tap, an eh school gates.
Everybiddy wis jumpin aboot noo luckin furr schoolbags thit hid bin loast unner seats, jaikits thit hid been flung aboot oan the treacherous ‘Death Road’croassin, an chewin gum thit hid goat stuck tae a seat frame - bit which wan?

‘Whers mah gum? Anybiddy seen mah gum ah left oan this seat?’
‘Is iss it stuck tae eh backside ah mah troosers?’
‘Aye aht’s it! Geez it back!’
‘Heh aht’s mah jaikit yiv goat!’
‘Aw naw evryhins fell oot mah schoolbag!’
‘Don’t staun oan aht hat, ther’s sumdy unner it!’
‘Ah bags (claim) eh windae seat oan eh wae back!’
Absolute pandemonium.
As the teachers watched, an no doubt heard, oor arrival ah’m sure they wished they hid jined the army urr some ither ‘safer’ profession.

The school bus journeys continued furr aboot 2-3 years while schools wurr built at strategic locations throughoot Eastirhoose. Oor three green buses, Riddrie’s Wan, Two an Three, despite oor initial reservations, held igithir an served us well. Through aw kinds a weather, accidents an diversions.

Wae fun oorsells at the end eh a summer hoaliday in eh early 60s, walkin through the gates eh Blairtummock, a modern primary school. Aw bright an concretey. Nae bus journey, nae singin. Nae granny tae shuv aff. Things wurr chinjin in Eastirhoose. An it wisnae aw furr the good!

Let’s hiv a rummage in the ‘S’ bag again.


skive -
To dodge work.
‘Eh wis sposed tae bae paintin eh loaby bit wae fun im skivin roon next door wae eez pals.’

slag -
To insult
‘Eez bin getting a terrible slaggin since eez team loast aht eh weeken.’

slug -
Gulp from a bottle or can.
‘Eh took a slug ah irn bru an choked.’

slunge –
to rinse or wash with copious amounts of water.
‘Eh coalman drapped a bag a coal oan eh sterr. Whit a mess it made. Ah hid tae slunge it doon.’

sook -
To suck.
‘Eh wean wiz sookin a big lolly.’
Or to seek favour with somebody by feigning friendship or agreement.
‘Err she goes again, sookin up tae eh boss. She’ll get aht promotion yit,wait an see!’

Sooside –
Southside [of Glesca]
A person coming from the nether regions of the southside can be referred to as a ‘Soosider’.

sowel –
Any unfortunate individual.
‘Aw look itt aht poor sowel, eez drapped eez kerry oot.’

squerr sausage –
Square sausage. This is sausage meat, also known as ‘Lorne’ sausage, of a rough consistency, cut into thick squares. It’s unknown outside Scotland [same as plain breid] but taken for granted here. Go into any Scottish grocer an ask for ‘A punna sqerr slice an a plain loaf’ and you will get square slice sausage and a thick sliced white loaf of bread with a dark crust wrapped in a waxy wrapper [possibly a ‘Mother’s Pride’].
Ask for the same thing in England an yer oan a hidin tae nuthin! It jist disnae exist doon ther. When visiting Scottish rellies in England it’s customary tae go doon wae a suitcase full of sqerr sausage, black puddin an a few plain loafs. [oh, an tattie scones, ah nearly furgoat eh tattie scones!] Beware! If yer flyin doon, it kin coz aw soarts a problems itt errport security!

stank –
This’ll keep Annette’s brother happy. A stank is the heavy, cast iron?, drain cover that ye see in Glesca streets. Sometimes thae dae stink, bit only rerrly. Usually they jist lie ther. Sometimes they staun proud eh the surface an ye hiv tae watch ye don’t trip ower thim. Some stanks hiv embossed patterns oan thim urr wee holes an thae used tae bae great furr playin jorries [cannae mine the rules noo]. The wans wae big holes urr slats wurr nae good furr jorries cos the jorries wid faw doon intae eh sewers. Other folk caw stanks – ‘manhole covers’. Some wimmin hiv takin exception tae this an petitioned furr thim tae bae cawed ‘wimminhole’ covers but, since it’s difficult tae assess the gender eh a particular stank, ‘personhole’ covers wirr thir nixt choice. Bit nane eh aht hiz caught oan in Glesca. A stank’s a stank furr aw aht!
Noo ther ye urr, evryhin ye wanted tae know aboot Glesca stanks bit wurr feart tae ask.

staun –
Stand.
‘Eh wiz jist stood staunin ther lik a glaikit eejit!’

sterrheid -
The landing at the top of each flight of stairs in a tennement.
‘Oor Jimmy’s jist phoned fae eh pub. Eh soons miroculous! Ah better staun oan eh sterrheid an guide im in!’

stie –
Stay.

steamboats –
Wan level shoart ah miroculous!

Okay, ah’m gonnae hiv tae get this computer back tae afore it’s missed. Wull finish eh Ss nixt week. Talk tae yiz then.

[CatrionaL]

A good read