Glesca Patter 26

[Moonwatcher]

First posted on SPDG 20 June 2004

In writing this last episode, I wanted to convey a belief that we are the sum total of those who've gone before us – our forefathers. They live within us like ghosts, in our features, expressions, voice, mannerisms, skills, in the very blood that runs through our veins.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Glesca Patter 25

Welcome tae eh final Glesca Patter : (

X.Y.Z

'X - His/Her mark'
Frequently found on BDM documents where the person couldn't read or write [a surprising number today still cant!]

y –
Replaces 'of ' an gets stuck oan at eh enda words lik 'wan' (one).
'Eh wiz wanny eh wans thit caused eh trouble.'

yap –
Tae talk a lot.

ye. yeez. yooz. yiz –
You.
'See yooz perr, yeez couldnae see green cheese bit yiz wid want a bit!'

yin –
One. Ye kin be a 'Big Yin', 'A Wee Yin', urr an 'Auld Yin'.
'If aht wee yin disnae stoap yappin urr tongue's gonnae gie oot!'

yit –
Yet.
'Urr ye ready yit?'
'Naw, ahm pittin oan mah face!'

yurr. yirr –
You are.
'Yurr eh wee yin!'

yon. yoan –
Refers to the past.
'Dae ye rememmer yon time ah swore oan Scoatlin's People?'
'Aye! Eh viewin rate ferr shoat up aht week so it did.'

z –
Often replaces the letter 's'.
'Eh wiznae gonnae tell urr, neither eh wiz, bit she wid've fun oot anywae.'
or
'Iz eh gonnae pay furr a roon urr no?'
'Aye, eez ah bit tight aht wan.'
'Tight! Tight! If eh wiz any tighter eh'd die a coanstipation!'

Z, unfortunately, is also the end of the line.

So ther wae hiv it. Eh journey's end. Wiv come a long wae fae thae furst tentative forays intae the As an Bs eh the Glesca lingo. Hope yiv aw enjoyed readin it as much iz ah've enjoyed writin it. Made a few friends along the way it seems, and one or two enemies as well I suspect! I'm hoping to put the whole thing on the web and I'll post the link in due course if that happens. Meantime, I need to thank some folk;

First up is the Glesca people, without whom we wouldn't have such a rich, colourful dialect. I didn't learn Glesca Patter, I was brought up with it! English is my second language : ) At times I may have appeared to take some liberties with Glesca folk , but I know they can take a joke, can laugh at themselves, and have a sense of humour second to none [well, maist eh thim anywae!]; if only more people in the world had these qualities! I'm proud to be a Glaswegian.

Next, Michael Munro who's wee book 'The Patter' I found a great resource, dipping in to often.

I dedicate the whole thing to my Wilson ancestors; Robert, William (both of them), John and Andrew. Without them, I would never have existed.

And finally there's you lot! Thanks for your support, and for all the nice comments I've received over the months, either on the BB or by e-mail, I truly appreciate it. Take care of yourselves.

Bob.



CLOSING TIME

It’s late. The pub’s empty. The barman, bored and clock-watching, wipes his damp cloth over the polished surface of the long wooden bar before he sets about washing glasses that he’s just gathered from the tables.

He welcomes the noise from the group of guys who’ve just appeared and settled themselves at the far end of the bar. One sitting on a barstool, the others prefering to stand.

Wullie: ‘Right whit urr yeez hivvin?
John: ‘Pinta lager furr meh.’
Boab: ‘Same ere.’
Andy: ‘Ah’ll jist hiv a coke.’
Barman: ‘Whit kin ah get ye lads?’
Wullie: ‘Three ah lager an a coke furr eh wean.’
Andy: ‘Less eh the wean!’
Barman: ‘Ice in eh coke?’
Andy: ‘Aye!’
Wullie: ‘Ye better pit a cherry in it furr im as well!’
John: ‘An four packits ah crisps. Any kine, jist mix im up.’

The barman starts pulling pints.

Andy: ‘So, wher’s eh big fella en?’
Wullie: ‘Och eh’ll bae alang in a wee while, ye know whit eez like. Be late furr eez ain funeral aht wan.’
John: ‘Eh better no bae too late, it’s gettin near closin.’
Wullie: ‘Eh’ll bae here.’

The drinks arrive and money changes hands.

Wullie: [to the barman] ‘Quiet in ere eh night izzit no?’
Barman: ‘Aye. It wiz busier earlier oan bit it’s deid noo. Ah’ll bae gled tae get finisht.’

He heads down the far side of the bar and gets started with washing the glasses.

Boab: [raising his glass in the air] ‘So, ere’s tae us en! Joab completit. Well done lads!’
All: ‘Aye! Cheers.’

They all drink.

Andy: ‘Ah’ll tell ye, ah really didnae hink wae’d finish it, did yooze?’
Wullie: ‘Well, ah alwaes thoat wae wid. Aht nummer seven wiz eh only time ah thoat waed blawn it!’
John: [nodding] ‘Hmm. Aht goat a bit oot a haun right ehnuff.’
Wullie: ‘Bit appert fae aht, it seemed tae go okay.’
Boab: ‘Whit wid ye say wiz eh best bit?’

Everyone thinks for a moment, taking long swallows from their glasses to help the process.

Wullie: ‘Ah stull laugh whin ah hink ah thoan guy Jimmy an eh Registrar. Eh bit wher eh describes eh scene in eh dennist stull hiz meh in stitches!’
Boab: ‘Aye, an eh wummin’s name, whit wiz it again?’
Wullie: ‘Ina State!’
Boab ‘Aye, aht’s it, Ina State.’

The barman looks up, startled at the sudden burst of laughter from that end of the bar.

Andy: ‘An yon poem, eh wan aboot eh ghosts in eh Garngad.’
John: ‘Aw aye! Eh Tam eh Chancer wan! Ahm no sure ah goat eh end eh it though.’
Andy: ‘Aw furr cryin oot lood… Yooz guys explain it tae im while ah get in anither roon… [signalling to the barman] Same again ower ere mate!

Andy: [looking at his watch] ‘Ye sure eh big fella's comin?’
John: ‘Aw who kerrs! If eh comes eh comes.’
Boab: ‘Mah favritt wiz eh Model.’
Wullie: ‘It wiz a bit dour though wiz it no?’
Boab: ‘Ah s’pose it wiz, bit it kinna balanced eh humour a wee bit.’
Wullie: Ah s’pose so.’
Boab: ‘An people seemed tae get eh message.’
Andy: ‘Ah wish some eh the ithers hid goat eh message.’
Boab: ‘Och aye, thir wir some thit wurr jist…’
John: ‘Blue Meanies! That’s whit some wurr like. Nearly spoilt it furr evrybiddy!’
Wullie: ‘Okay! Okay! Let’s no stert aw aht again. Izzat a packit a smokey bacin, kin ah hiv aht wan?’

Boab: ‘Rememmir eh wan aboot eh Barras? Eh bit aboot eh diji watch an eh battery?’
Andy: ‘Aye, ye kin jist imagin sum eejit buyin sumhin lik aht.’
John: ‘Ah wiz doon eh Barras last week. It’s aw chinjed, no eh same iz it used tae be. Eh snake ile man’s away noo ye know!’
Wullie: ‘Och heez bin gaun furr years. Mah mammy wance tried eez snake ile.’
Andy: ‘Did it wurk?’
Wullie: ‘Oh aye. She kept eh mice doon efter aht, ah kin tell ye! Bit she finally shed urr skin an left!’

More raucous laughter and another round of drinks.

Wullie: ‘Talkin ah snake ile, eh Glesca Remedies went doon well ah thoat.’
John: ‘Ah liked eh Jeely Piece song. Ah’t went doon well tae.’
Andy: ‘A fish supper wid go doon well eh noo!’
Boab: ‘Mine eh stooshie wae eh apostriffys an eh astrisks?’
Wullie: ‘No hauf! Aht wan went oan furr ages.’
Boab: ‘An eh escape plan tae central america. Whit happint tae aht?’
Andy: ‘It fell through dintitt!’
John: ‘Wurst bit furr me wiz whin wae wirr aw in eh trenches.’
All: [nodding] ‘Aye!’

Glasses are drained and placed on the bar.

Wullie: ‘Who’s oan eh bell?’
Boab: [fumbling inside his jacket] ‘Ah’ll get eez.’

He brings out on to the bar a packet of tobacco, some rollup papers, a tattered paperback book and, finally… an old brown leather wallet.

Wullie: ‘Ye hid tae dig deep furr aht son! It jist didnae want tae come oot did it?’
John: [laughing]‘Last time aht wallet seen eh light ah day, Victoria wiz oan eh throne!’
Andy: 'Urr pictchir eh'll bae blinkin in eh light whin ye haun ower eh money.’
All: [laughter]

Another round appears.

John: ‘Who’s idea wiz it tae dae eh wee coak sparra?’
Wullie: ‘Mine!’
Boab: ‘Mine!’
Andy: ‘Mine!’
John: ‘Soarry ah asked! Ye know it wiz years since ah hid heard aht. Aul… whit’s eez nem… used tae dae it evry hogmanay.’
Wullie: ‘Chic Murray. Aht’s who it wiz,’
John: ‘Naw it wiznae. It wiz aht ither wan, ye know eh wan ah mean…’
Andy: ‘Aye, ah know eh wan ye mean… eh wan thit played Francie oot ah Francie n’ Josie!’
Boab: ‘Naw, you're hinkin eh Rikki Fulton.’

They fall silent for a moment.

Wullie: ‘Here’s tae Rikki, may eez humour live oan!’
All: ‘Cheers!’

Wullie: ‘So who did dae eh sparra song en?’
John: ‘It’s oan eh tip eh mah tongue…”
Andy: ‘Duncan MacCrae!’
All: ‘Aye! Aht’s who it wiz!'
Boab: [getting maudlin through drink] New Year jist isnae eh same withoot im!’
Wullie: [changing the subject and lifting the old paperback off the bar] ‘Whit's eh book?’
Boab: ‘Good story.’
Andy: [taking a look at the cover] Aw aye! Ah saw eh film eh aht. It’s aw aboot apes n’ spacemen innat. Ah didnae unnerstaun it!’

The barman sounds a bell behind the bar and they hear his shout of ‘Last orders!’

His words are also heard by the man who's just entered the pub and walks over to the bar.

Barman: ‘Good timin mate. Whit kin ah get ye?’
Man: ‘A large Glenmorangie.’
Barman: 'Ice?'
Man: 'Naw, jist iz it comes.'

The glass is filled with golden liquid from a bottle on the gantry and placed on the bar.

Man: [sipping the malt and relishing it’s warmth as it goes down.] ‘Quiet eh night.’
Barman: [glass cloth over his shoulder as he collects empty glasses from the bartop.] ‘Yep. Sure is. Funny… ther wiz a bunch a guys here jist a secind ago, but they jist seemed tae… ‘vanish’ as you kim in!’
Man: ‘Zatright?’
Barman: [looking around] ‘Aye! Strange. Jist disappeart thae did!’
Man: [drinking his whisky] ‘Spirits?’
Barman: [laughing as he wipes the bar] Naw, eh only spirits in iss place urr in aht gless yir drinkin fae!' [he sees the paperback lying on the bartop] 'Wan eh thim left eez book.’

Man: ‘Kin ah hiv it?’
Barman: [shrugging] Sure! [examining the cover] It’s no mah kinna story. Merr a western man massell.’

He carries the glasses down to the sink and starts washing them.

The man opens the book at the Foreword;

“Behind every man now alive stand thirty ghosts, for that is the ratio by which the dead outnumber the living. Since the dawn of time, roughly a hundred billion human beings have walked planet Earth."

He flicks to the last page;

“...he was not quite sure what to do next.

But he would think of something."

He smiles and slips the book into his inside pocket. He drains his glass, pensively examining it’s emptiness for a moment before placing it down on the bar.

He turns and gestures to the barman. ‘Awehbesstaeyemate!’
Barman: ‘Aye cheers!’

With that, Moonwatcher turns and walks out into the darkness of the Glasgow night.



--- END---

[Merlot]

Moonwatcher,
From the Wellhouse team, we luv ya.
Aw ra best,
Merlot

[AnnetteR]

Thank you so much Bob for re-posting all that wonderful material. It is every bit as magical second time around.

Take care

Annette