Cyber Seance 4

[Moonwatcher]

Cyber Seance. 30 Jan 2005

Hallooooooo! [Aht wiz meant tae bae a skerrie, ghost noayze fae the ither side – bit it soondit merr lik Tigger fae ten acre wood.]

It's Sunday again. Sundays urr green, ayewaes hiv been. Jist iz Mondays urr yella (yellow), Wednesdays urr white, an eh nummer 7 is orange an eh letter R is dark red. If ye hivnae a clue whit ahm talkin aboot then yir probbly no a synesthete.

Quote: "[Synesthesia] occurs in women more than men; women are twice as likely to be synesthetic than men, and it also runs in families. So most synesthetes are surprised to discover as children that their playmates and families don't perceive the world in the same way. And they might make some innocent comment like, 'Oh Mummy, look I've drawn an airplane sound, or a helicopter sound' or they might talk about the colours of the individual letters - that 'A' is red and 'C' is blue, and things like that. And then they'll get a strange response like 'Are you crazy?' and then they'll learn to not talk about it for a long, long time, not quite sure about the reality of it themselves. But it is quite real."

Movin oan...

Longevity disnae seem tae bae wan eh the Wulsin men’s merr obvious traits. Few eh thim seem tae hiv made it through thir 50s. Wan notable exception bein auld John the Irish famine survivor who popped eez clogs, if eh records urr tae bae believed, it eh gran aul age eh 85. Eez age is aw the merr surprisin considerin eh merrit Alice when she wis aroon 16 an he wiz aboot 50! Wulsin wimmin oan eh ither haun seem tae hiv bin drinkin fae the fountin a youth - an no tellin thir menfolk wher it wiz hiddin. Look oot furr a puddle sumwher in Garngad thit hiz wimmin slurpin cups eh the dirty watter oan eh sly, an ye might bae oan a winner. The current record furr a Wulsin wummin goes tae great aunt Cathy Wilson who lived tae 95. The overall family tree record hooever goes tae an aunt oan eh wife’s side thit managed 101. Thae say thit wimmin live loanger thin men, bit ah don’t believe aht. Ah hink wimmin hiv basically eh same lifespan, it’s jist thit men gie up sooner. Ah blame the naggin!

Noo thit ah’ve goat yiz aw warmmed up. India. If yiz take a keek it the Asian section eh the TS board ye’ll see ah’ve hid a query in err furr a wee while concernin a loast regiment ah gunners thit wirr oot ther durin the time ah Partition (Independence). If yiv ever watched the UK TV comedy series ‘It Aint Haff Hot Mum’ or read Spike Milligan’s books on his military antics as a gunner, ye’ll get a flavour of whit eez guys must hiv bin like.
Anyway, the 72nd Regiment of the Royal Artillery (B Troop) were out there, khaki shoarts, fags, 25 pounder field guns... usual kinna stuff, in the Himalayan foothills doing gawd knows whit. Mah faither wiz wan eh thim an ah’ve goat photies tae prove it. Nuthin else though. When ah wiz a kid ah wance asked aht aw importint question ‘Whitye dae inna war dad?’ Eh wiz non committal (proably coz eh wiz never technically in it). Perserverance and subtle interrogation ower a nummer a years produced the followin facts;

A good wae tae get excused drillin an marchin an stuff is tae hiv bad feet an bae 'excused boots'. [Ah useful tip thit eh telt meh tae ayewaes keep in mind in case ah'm ever called up. Although in mah case nooadays ah'm merr likely tae bae 'excused zimmer!]

He telt meh eh wance hid tae fire ower the heids of Indians, causin thim tae scatter. [When eh originally telt me this when a wiz a lad, ah thoat eh meant American ‘Red’ Indians. Furr years ah thoat mah faither hid bin a cowboy shootin aht indians wae eez six gun. Of course whin a finally learned which indians wurr which an thit eh gun in question wis the same type thit, up until a couple eh years ago, wiz fired fae the battlements ah Edinburgh Castle at one o’ clock every day, scarin hell oot the visitors doon below, ah stertit tae appreciate why the indians felt inclined tae sketter.]

He came doon wae malaria thit boathirt im furr a year urr two efterwards [Eh spent some time in Glagow Royal Infirmary it seems]

He visited the Taj Mahal aht wan point. [So eh must hiv passed through, or been stationed in Delhi at some point]

Eez service oot ther lastit between 1946 an 1948.

An aht’s it. Aht’s aw ah ever goat oot im. No much tae go oan izzitt? So ah’ve spent considerable time ower the past few months researchin Indian history an loggin intae Indian an military websites an forums tryin tae track doon the wherraboots an exploits eh the 72nd Field Artillery Regiment (B Troop) in India. Result? Zilch! Nuthin! The 72nd who? Mesklin (davesloan) iz right in whit eh says. Britain jist wanted oot eh ther aht that time. They couldnae afford tae bae seen tae bae gettin involved [perhaps not disimilar to the situation at the polling stations in Iraq this very day]. The phrase ‘police action’ is used. But, fae time tae time thae DID get involved. An ah reckin mah faither goat coat up aht some point [The bad feet ruse must hiv worn a bit thin.] A hink ther wiz a loat merr tae the ‘shootin ower the heids’ story thin eh wiz prepert tae tell iz. Eh tales ah bloodshed eh aht period make grim readin an it’s clear that the British Government were/are keen to distance themselves from it. But it leaves the question of what the 72nd were actually doing there? Mesklin suggests the records I seek may be in India. If aht's the case then it’s beginning to look as if I’m going to have to go there personally. Can you imagine it;

SCENE: Market Place, somewhere in Bombay.

Moonwatcher: Hi, could ye look at iss photie an tell meh if ye kin recignise wherr it might hiv bin takin?
Ahmed: Ah! I be thinking you are of the Australian persuasion from the way you pronounce your words.
MW: Eh! Naw ahm Scoatish mate. Kin ye hiv a look aht mah photie?
Ahmed: Ah Scottish! Haggis an neeps. Bonnie Charlie Prince and Mel Gibson! But forgive me sahib, why not are you wearing of the kilt!
MW: Kilt? Naw ah keep aht furr special occasions - an err's eh flies tae consider izz well! The photie?
Ahmed: Ah yes the photograph. Could I interest you in some snake oil, most efficacious for all manner of ills. Do you have bad feet I am thinking.
MW: Snake oil? Ye didnae hiv a relative thit used tae sell aht stuff it eh Barras in Glesca did ye. Auld guy, beard, broon, wore a turban?
Ahmed: Ah yes! That would be my great uncle Ahmed. He was often sending of the postcards from your Gleskaa. George Square, Central Station, Blythswood Square, The Sarry Heed! You were knowing my uncle?
MW: No really naw. The photie? Wan eh the folk in it’s mah faither.
Ahmed: Ah yes, let me be looking at it more closely. Will your father be the chap wearing the turban?
MW: Naw aht’s the char wallah! Mah faither’s eh wan in eh shoarts, herry legs an a fag in eez mooth.
Ahmed: Ah, I am seeing the family resemblance. A fine example of theBritish fighting man. But where are my manners being? Can I offer you something to eat, something to provide sustinence as you embark on your search. Perhaps you might be caring for to try my special snake curry, it’s home made.
MW: Naw hanks, I hid a couple ah sheep’s eyeballs furr breakfast, they’ll see meh through the day [an Eric Morcambe classic ther!]

Moving oan again. Been playing the SP fruit machine this week. Cost me a wee fortune. For new folks not familiar with this vice, let me explain the rules, and the dangers. It’s very similar to a normal fruit machine that you find in pubs and clubs all over the world. However, instead of three oranges in a row being of greater value than three cherries, you’re dealing with Great Grandfathers over Great Uncles and 1st Cousins over 2nd Cousins twice removed. Other than that the rest works exactly the same. You put your money in and you take your chances. To make the game more authentic I’m looking at ways to have a fruit machine handle fitted to the side of my laptop. Like all good gambling machines the SP version is cunningly programmed so that you get early wins. This gets you familiar with firing money into the machine, lulls you into a feeling of confidence, elation, and stupidity and entices you to part with more and more to increase your winnings or justify that which you’ve lost. SP winnings are payed out in a slightly different way from that of a normal fruit machine. A win on a normal fruit machine is detected by the familiar ‘Kachunk! Kachunk! Kachunk! Tinkle! Tinkle! Tinkle!’ of coins or tokens being jettisoned into the tray at the bottom of the machine. The SP version pays out winnings into a printer. Unfortunately SP winnings cannot be exchanged for goods or used to buy stuff in the shops. You can try passing a copy of Great Aunt Matilda’s Birth Certificate off to the girl behind the Tesco checkout but I don’t suppose you’ll have any more luck than I had!
As with all fruit machines, sometimes things go wrong. In the pub one normally thumps the machine, shakes it, and generally gives it a good kicking before resorting to approaching the barman, who shrugs and shows complete disinterest. The thumping, shaking, kicking approach is not to be advised in the SP version. Modern computers don’t stand up well to that kind of treatment. Better to follow the SP recommended method of sending off a contact form which will then follow the normal route ie. same as for barman.
Be warned, like all gambling and gambling machines, there is a high risk of addiction. Large sums of money can be played into the machine with no return whatsover. Domestic life can suffer, marriages can be destroyed, suicide may be considered. It's not a pastime to be entered into lightly. Having said that – have fun!

Right, ah'm aff. Jings, crivvens, help mah boab! Ah've jist realised thit ah'ts January ower already! January's navy blue bae the wae!

Tae nixt week.

Bob.

[AndrewP]

(message to make the Cyber Seance posts appear in sequence)