Glesca Patter 12

[Moonwatcher]

First posted on SPDG 7 March 2004. A somewhat dickensian, but true, tale for christmas eve.

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Glesca Patter 12

Effternin evrybiddy!

Smiddykilry’s contribution of ‘Skale’ last week set meh thinkin. Ah shouldnae dae that ye know, thinkin thoats only leads tae trouble. But ah thoat these thoats aboot when ah wiz a wee lad at ‘skale’. An then ah remembirt (anither thing ah shouldnae dae) a teacher. She probly wisnae that diffrint fae a loat ah ither teachers, an ah bet many eh ye kin relate tae her. So, before wae dae the A-Z thing (K this week), ah decidit ah’d sher these thoats wae ye in support of the sentiments so eloquently expressed by mah fellow ‘wordsmith’ Smiddy last week...


THE TEACHER

Mrs Cameron wiz a teacher, wan eh the auld school,
believed in order an discipline, followed her golden rule…
A teacher teaches teachin things, educates the masses,
learnin’s sumthin weans dae, success wis based oan passes.

Mrs Cameron couldnae tolerate, the ignorant or the slow,
the wans that widnae talk right, that resisted gaun wae the flow.
The wans that came fae parents, that struggled in the mill,
the scruffy and the defiant, us kids o the Garngadhill.

Mrs Cameron had a training aid, tae instill the necessary knowledge,
she used it liberally every day, it kept us aw oan edge.
For the leather belt she proudly displayed, filled her wae such power,
weans trembled when thae goat things wrang, an gret tae the pain wis ower.

Mrs Cameron liked total silence, when writin oan the board,
when we whispered tae each other, she’d pick up every word.
‘Talking in class is forbidden’, she’d make her annoyance felt,
an we’d be trooped oot tae the front of the class, tae face that bliddy belt.

Mrs Cameron would pass oot a dreaded book, ah still remember it’s cover,
entitled ‘Mental Arithmetic’ it wis pink, came wae a sheet of paper.
‘You have twenty minutes’ she wid say, ‘to answer page eleven,
No workings, rubbers or pencil marks’ - that wis another forbidden.

Mrs Cameron wid strut her stuff as we tried tae work it oot,
three men , a wa’, a hundred bricks, a day, a week… aw shoot!
Ah never could’ve done it, and that wis bad enough,
but when she found ah’d used a rubber – ah wiz beltit – it wis tough!

Mrs Cameron didnae staun disorder, always liked things right,
wan day a wasp flew intae the room, a wee lassie screamed in fright.
She wiz taken oot an beltit, it wis worse than any sting,
we lads decidit ther an then, we’d pit an end tae this thing.

Mrs Cameron huntit high an low, the next moarnin when she kim in,
we’d stole her belt an planked it, widnae tell her wher it wis hiddin.
She shoutit, threatened an banged her desk, her face a fearful glower,
but she eventually began tae realise, she’d loast the source eh her power!

Mrs Cameron sat wae her heid in her hauns, sobbin till they came,
an led her oot the classroom never tae be seen again.
A teacher teaches teachin things, educates the masses,
but learnin’s sumthin wae aw dae… it disnae need thae classes.


BTW: From Mrs Cameron I did learn how to control fear, hide pain and, ultimately, fight back. Reading? Nah! I learned that fae mah Mammy!


K

keech –
Dirt, Excrement, Nonsense. The ‘ch’ proncounced as in the scottish ‘loch’.
‘Mah dug wiz rollin aboot in the gerden an kim in covered in keech.’ or ‘the two auld wimmin wir chatterin away, talkin a load a keech they wir!’

keek –
Peek, peer into.
‘Ah keeked oot the windae an ther they wir, the same two auld wimmin still slappin thir gums agither.’

keeker -
Black Eye

keelie -
Term of endearment (or insult) to one of Glaswegian persuasion.
‘Oh gawd! Wiv goat a right per a glesca keelie’s here.’

keepie up –
Keeping a football in the air by bouncing it on your head. (Never quite understood the the attraction of that!)

Kelvinside –
Considered the ‘posh’ part of Glasgow, on west side. Kelvinsiders are said to have a particular accent known as a ‘Kelvinside accent’. In truth however, the Kelvinside accent is a ‘put on’ accent affected by pretentious folk trying to give the impression that they are better off and better educated than others (you may have come across such people) . It comes over false, it is false, and it can be hilarious.
On the phone; (in a very posh accent)
‘Hello, is thet the coalman?’
‘Aye, madam.’
‘Could you please deliver six [6] secks [sacks] of coal at my home.’
‘Sorry madam?’
‘Six secks I said. I want six secks at my home Are you deaf man?’
‘Sorry madam ah dont think ah kin dae that. The boss widnae allow it, never mind the wife!’
‘What are you talking about, you are a coalman are you not?’
‘Ye ah am that, an ah know a get a bit dirty, but thers limits ye know.’

kilt –
Killed. The lifts wir aff an ah hid tae climb the sters (stairs) – it nearly kilt meh!

kin –
Can. ‘Ah kin come back eh moarra.’ (I can come back tomorrow)

kinna –
Kind of.
Whin a goat hame last night ah felt kinna sick, must’ve hid a bad pint.

knacked -
Tired. Broken.
‘Ah goat in late last night, ahm knacked.’ or ‘Ah cannae go cos mah caur’s knacked.’

knot –
To laugh uncontrollably. To be ‘in a knot’.
‘Ye know, ah wiz in a knot! Laugh! Laugh! Ah laughed so much a nearly bought some credits!!!’

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Back amoara
Bob.

[CatrionaL]

A good read